Stub Your Toe

Do you ever have those days where everything feels like it's going wrong and then all of a sudden you're fine? You've cried out whatever issues it was in your head to yourself and been totally fine. You're over it. You're done worrying about it on the surface. But All of a sudden you stub your toe. Or, in my case, hit your shin so hard on a sharp corner that the problems resurface and the tears come flowing out like a faucet of emotions. It's like, that push, that one little push can suddenly bring back all of those horrible thoughts. I don't know why I think this way. I don't know why I insist on secluding myself from others at times. All I know is that I can't take it some days. I just can't.

A Step Forward

Lately I've realized that in order to take a step forward, you need to take a step back and check yourself. You need to look at yourself from the inside out. What eats away at you on the inside? What conflicts start a war in your mind? More so, who and what trigger these conflicts within your being?

Something I've learned is that I need to stop blaming my surroundings for my situations. The mind is so much more powerful than we give it credit for. In other words, think. Be patient, willing, and strong. There's nothing that I struggle more with than strength. Strength of mind. Strength of body. Strength of self.

The more we give in the more we allow things to cut down our strength. This life is like a big game of tug-of-war. The more we pull to our side, the stronger we become. However, the more we release to the pull of others, the weaker we feel and eventually end up defeated.

If you're reading this and you feel under the will of the world around you, stepped on, or possibly used.... It's your time to pull, and this time don't give in.

Less Is More

Lately I've began to come to terms with a something about myself that I think a lot of others can relate to as well. I consume too much. I eat more than I should, I use more electricity than I should, I facebook too often, I spend more time with my phone than I do with my Bible much-less with my family . I not only consume too much but other things consume me too much, ie. People's problems, what others think of me, my anger towards my brother. This all reminds me of a message I once heard from my pastor. He said something that really spoke to me... "change your appetite and your goals change with it". Just like in a wilderness how your appetite changes drastically for only the things you NEED and not the things you WANT. Right now I'm trying to focus. I need to stop indulging in things that tempt me. These things include food, social networking, and overall spending more time with friends than with my family. It's all wrong, very wrong but I struggle with it. I'm not blogging about this as saying it's a problem but more so I'm writing it so that I can re-read it and use this blog post as a somewhat public reminder to follow through on drastically changing my appetites. I need to legitimately buckle down and change and I plan to. I began writing this at 12am on February 7th because starting with this blog post I am going to stop, in an essence, being so dumb. For lack of a better word I think "dumb" accurately describes what position I'm in right now. I'm sick physically and emotionally. My spiritual aspect is pulling me through this rut which I am very grateful for. There's a recipe to remember: God, common sense, and effort. That's going to be the plan, now is the time to initiate the effort. I will do the following:

1. Eat healthier and less
2. Spend more time with my family
3. Mend the relationship with my brother
4. Limit social networking

Beautiful list, ain't it? I plan on implementing it. Your prayers/support would be more appreciated than you could ever realize. Time to change.

You Did It Now

I need to start looking past all of these worldly distractions. I feel rained down upon by the world, as if I can look through it but it's drenching my every move.


Short blog post. Long story.

Make Amends

As I sat there this morning at about 8:45 laying in bed, slowly waking up I reached for my Bible. As I flipped through the advice-filled pages I began to read Galatians. When I got to Chapter 6, I stumbled upon Galatians 6:1... “[Doing Good to All] Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” This really spoke to me in that right now I'm working on mending my relationship with my older brother and help him become closer with the Lord in the process. I adore him but it's extremely difficult to get along with him most days. I try my hardest to be nice and treat him only with love but GOODNESS it's difficult when all I ever feel is attacked by him. I'm trying to look past what the enemy is putting in my heart right now and if you're reading this, I don't care if I know you or not; pray for me? It would be much appreciated. I have about six months to make it all better before I leave for college and barely see him again. This is my mission. I feel the presence of God working in this situation and it's overpowering sometimes. I feel as if I get knocked down each time I try but I'm not giving up because something keeps picking me back up. I'm going to do this and as a physical reminder, here's this poorly written blog post.

I Mean...

So here I am, sitting here for the clock to turn another hour older and marinating on exactly what is going on in my mind right now. I just graduated from high school two days ago and therefore have flipped to a new chapter in my life. Basically that's awesome but what has happened in the past two or so days is not awesome. It made me realize that getting out of high school was in fact just what I needed. It was constricting me greatly and keeping me from growing as a person. Granted I learned a lot in high school but you can only go through the same routines for so long before there is a definite point of no return.

There's another thing on my mind, and in my heart that's been bothering me. Disappointment. I have about 5 people in my life that I feel the need to sit down and give the "snap the hell out of it" talk to because they have their priorities COMPLETELY out of order. I might write a few of them a letter instead of talking to them face to face simply because a letter is a good way to converse your complete thoughts without any miscommunications. Anyways, disappointment. It's mainly in my friends but there's no doubt disappointment within myself and my relationship with my parents. I never feel adequate enough for any of my friends or family. I feel as if I could (and basically have) give them all the time in the world and they would still think that I am indefinitely doing something wrong or not up to par.

I actually talked about this with my brother last night, though he doesn't usually give clear advice he said something that really spoke to me. Basically I said that if this little "feud" continues between my mother and me that I might just not walk the stage for graduation in June with everyone else because I feel as if it doesn't matter to her. He then said "NO, walk the stage for YOU, forget everyone else in the crowd and don't even pay them any attention, WALK THE STAGE FOR YOURSELF and only yourself". If I could keep this mentality on most other things in life, I'd be much better off.

I will walk the stage come June, not only for myself but in glory of God for getting me there. I shall stop trying to please people all of the time and start working for only God and myself. AND THAT'S THAT. I'm no longer just some people pleaser because all I ever do is get walked on.

2011 And Then Some

I was just sitting, watching, waiting, and wanting to understand what this feeling I have right now exactly is. I long so much to do things that I've planned on doing but something is stopping me. Some uncontrollable force keeps pulling me away from the things I deem responsibility over. I've been struggling with this feeling for about a year or so now and I made it one of my unofficial New Years resolutions to combat this feeling at any cost. So here I sit, in the 4th or 5th days of 2011, yanking my hair out and on the verge of possible tears because I am just so overly confused. My organization is off right now due to the excessive amount of paperwork on my desk from applying to colleges, college mail, homework, random notes etc. I am ready to start over fresh. I need something to pull me out of this rut but I can't quite place my finger on it. I pray about this (amongst many other things) every night it seems and so far I've improved only slightly but I know that God is trying to show me something through this, I'm just not entirely sure what it is yet.

When I listen to songs that remind me of people who used to be in my life, I become a tad emotional. I feel like there is at least one song on my itunes library for every relationship, friendship, and rivalry I have ever had. Lately, I feel nostalgic. I miss people who were in my life but some more than others. I will blatantly say that I basically miss how everything used to be. I miss having someone all to myself, I miss having friends that all got along, I miss those cold winter nights when we would all get together and just keep each other company. When you get attached to a group of people, they almost start to take on a role of a secondary family in your subconscious mind. When that family begins to fall apart and basically overall disgust you in some aspects, then what? Is this a divorce, a family abandoning one another? I can't even begin to go into any kind of depth as to what I've been through not only within the walls of my home but within my circle of friends.

Hmmm, circle of friends, no. Scratch that. A circle is something tight-knit, something unopened, with no weak link as a part of it. We are no longer a circle, we are more of a fractal. A fractal of disproportional and unpredictable lines and shapes. I'm extremely blessed to have any people in my life but there's only so much I can do for them. I feel as if there's no way I will ever be able to have such a group of friends again. Also, there's parts of 2010 that I miss deeply and I wish they had never become such faded memories to me. I'm blessed to even had those memories and I realize that but I'm still coping with the idea of exactly what 2011 is going to bring.

In less than 2 weeks, I will be graduating from high school. After that, I plan to use the 6 months to my advantage and gain some kind of spectacular knowledge, experiences, and overall begin to find my path on exactly what I want to become later in life. I will go to college (not sure where yet) and I will work so hard at what I pursue because I really want this.

Let me say that again, I REALLY want this.

By "this" I mean that I want to gain the confidence, knowledge, skills, whatever to become a more improved person. I am going to make it in the world because I have ambition. I will not let this ambition die and as a reminder to myself, I am typing it on this blog. I've been through a lot in 2010 and it has taught me lessons that will be extremely valuable to me in the year 2011 and throughout the rest of my life. I am going to set the world on fire one day; a lot of people might not believe me but you can bet the farm on me because I not only have ambition on my side but I have the power and grace of God. I have a huge support system and an overload of ambitions, but most of all I have the most wonderful thing in the entire universe and that is a beautiful savior who I have always and will always have by my side, fighting through this battle we call life. So this is my first official post of 2011 and it is with this I say... Let's get stuff done, son.